I can beat the shit out of myself on a daily basis! This has to be stopped. I have to move further into acceptance. Liking myself, realizing I am where I am today and be OK with that. I need to remember I am doing my best with the knowledge I have at this moment in time. I understand growth is why we are here on this earth. We are here to learn, make mistakes and try again. Stop with the self-defeating beatings!
I was at work one morning when a co-worker came to me crying, she had fought with her husband that morning. This was her second marriage and she feared she was making a mistake for the second time. I knew this couple, they were not a mistake. So I told her she could end things, and decide to never try again, that would be easy. Or she could remember love is a risk and fight for it but this would be, by far, a harder option. Now, you must remember, I knew this couple personally, they had a healthy marriage and the fight was silly, but her fear of fighting with her husband, and rightly so, was very real as her previous ex-husband was a very violent man. She chose to fight for her marriage. She chose to feel love and all that it came with. (They are still happily married today!)
It is very easy to decide not to love someone. It is so much more risky to allow yourself to love someone because the stakes are higher. There is the pain you feel with every fight, the hurt over every misunderstanding, the desperation when things seem to be falling apart, only by loving someone can all of these feelings have consequences. Love is a risk, not loving is safe.
I was stuck for many years in a pattern of ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’. I was negative and expecting bad things to happen. I was comfortable with that. I expected nothing good from anyone. I was never disappointed. I had been in two failed relationships, I had an illness I didn’t know much about. I was in pain and getting the run around from doctors and unbelieving friends, family, and acquaintances. It is so damn easy to be negative because you just don’t care anymore.
I am learning acceptance, every day. It is hard to be positive. It takes work to be positive. It is hard to look at the dark cloud and find the stupid silver lining… but there is one. You just have to keep looking and waiting, sometimes for many years. I am so relieved I didn’t stay with either of the two men I thought I would be married to because I found my hubby of today! He was my silver lining. I am so glad I worked hard to learn about fibromyalgia because I taught myself about it and I can advocate for awareness. I am happy I didn’t let my friends and family fall by the wayside allowing them to think what they wanted to about me because I learned to stand my ground and explain my disease. I learned boundaries and the art of “No.” I ‘practice the pause’ before reacting.
I am not done yet! I am still learning and getting stronger emotionally every day! It is hard but I will keep working at it. I won’t lower my expectations of others because life is crummy at times. Nope. I was never one for handing out “You’re Stupid” signs and walking away but I do have my limits and steadfast boundaries in place. (There are some individuals who should be wearing these signs so you know ahead of time, no need to worry they are just stupid.)
I will walk the path less traveled and learn with every step I take. I will do my best with what I know today and accept that I am not yet done learning.
Live your best life!