What does one do at 4:20AM?

I am sitting in my house, all is quiet. I can hear the wind whispering until the whir of the heater begins with the shallow howling of warm air flowing through the vents. It is peaceful. It is satisfying. My dogs have begun to snore while my tenants are quietly sleeping upstairs. My husband is at work. I am alone, in the middle of an urban city… I am alone.

I have become acquainted with Fear again. Like an old friend visiting… like time never passed and we can pick up our conversation from where we left off. Fear and I have known each other intimately for over 20 years. I remembered Fear differently though, much scarier than she appears recently. Don’t get me wrong, she is still very powerful but I find her to be willing to negotiate for my time. Fear isn’t as intrusive as she was in the past. She is just back.

I try to remember a time when I lived without Fear. Life was so very easy then, even though I didn’t know it was. Anything was possible! All the time in the world was mine for the taking. That ladder in front of me was for climbing and if I missed a step there would be a net to catch me so I could climb again.

Then I met Fear.

I relate to Fear differently now. I don’t see Fear as an irrational thief anymore. I take time to listen to Fear and we work out our differences like two friends who agree to disagree. I know Fear, and I know her power. I am not naive and I know there is a purpose for Fear but there is an emotional toll that Fear is no longer allowed to take from me. I won’t allow it. I will listen, I will try to understand but I will not let Fear visit with me for any length of time that creates a feeling of my well-being dissolving. Fear cannot create turmoil in my life any longer.

I know why Fear is here.

I know that change creates Fear and she feeds on it … my life is changing right now. Everything is changing, I should be blogging about this but Fear is here! It is now 4:30AM and here I sit. I am all alone in the middle of the city and feel peaceful, somewhat at ease yet Fear is here for her visit. I hear her, I know the reason she is here. I have listened and we have discussed it all. Now it is time for Fear to go.


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