It Matters to Him

My husband was a bit more concerned about this last little patch of depression I went through… he can’t understand why I would ever doubt his love for me. He does know that depression is sneaky and it lies and that it is a disease that affects rational thinking. He knows it has to do with lack of dopamine and serotonin in my brain. He knows when my iron levels are low, I may become depressed as well. He knows.

IMG_0174    He wants to fix it.

Me: “You can’t just fix this.”

Jeff: “Well I am a fixer, and that is what I want to do, so this is very difficult for me. Are you really going to be OK?”

“Physically, I feel fine. So yes, I’ll be OK.”

“Can I bring you anything?”

(Here is where I said something that I shouldn’t have, I attempted a joke about a gun and said something about brains. This was not funny nor should I have ever thought about this type of joking during a depression flare.)

“I don’t think that is funny at all. You know, we’ve gone through too much for me to lose you now. I don’t understand these guys who don’t help their women. I don’t understand why they can’t figure out how to be men? Wash a dish? Pick up a vacuum? Clean the house? What if they were the ones in a car accident? Huh? What would they expect from their wives?”

(He is frustrated and winding up … and I see that I have caused this! I feel horrible!)

“You know suck it up! Take on some responsibility! Learn something! Be a man for God’s sake! But you know what? We’ve been told by women that we are not needed for so many years! Women can do it all by themselves. So what good has that done? Men come home from work and sit on their asses and think that’s OK! It’s not OK!” 

“Well, I need you, whether I’m sick or not, I need my husband.”

“Like I need you. You and I have many things left to accomplish together, you and I are not done yet … I have to go to work now, will you be OK?”

“I will be, I am. Don’t worry, I’ll be here when you get back.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Then I received a text from my husband about ten minutes after he left the house.

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So I went to Youtube and pulled up the video…

“I ain’t strong enough to give you up…”

It is my responsibility to give my husband peace of mind that I will get through a flare, be it mental, physical, or both. It matters to him! It matters that I am safe and taking care of myself and that I will be alright even when he is at work. I will be a better steward of my emotional and physical flares and plan accordingly so not to worry him. This matters to me; his emotional well-being. I have been careless at times. No more.

Screen Shot 2018-02-25 at 12.48.43 PM~Kim

 

 

But For a Child…

We see our world is filled with violence, fear, and death.

The day shall arrive when a child will lead the wolf, lion, lamb, cobra, calf, and bear in peace without fear. 

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And it will be a day that is Good and Just

 

 

 

 

 

Screen Shot 2018-02-25 at 12.48.43 PM~Kim

The Husband That Wanted to Know

I really do not know where I am going with this post but I’ll start by saying my husband asked me to “explain” myself … he had a few questions. Our conversation went very much like this;

Jeff asked, “How do you deal with me when you are always in pain?”

I responded, “Well, I bitch at you!”

“No, you don’t, and I’m serious. How do you manage to deal with me, the house, the blogging, and all the people who ask you for help? My God, you wrote a book?!?!”

“Yes, pulled that off didn’t I?” (laughing)

“I’m serious, I would be devastated if I was in as much pain as you are, it would crush me.”

“What makes you think I’m not crushed?”

“Are you? I don’t see that side of you. I almost lost you twice, (idiopathic pancreatitis) I just want to know how you do what you do?”

“Why?”

“Because I love you more than I did the day I married you.”

This conversation started the proverbial ball rolling. I was not in the best mood that day, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about my chronic pain self so over the course of a few days of blogging and thinking about how I do things, and why, I started to tell my sweet husband my thoughts about what drives me.

First, I am in pain every day. Not the kind that makes you scream and cry, the kind that feels like you have the flu – just not the throwing up part or burning fever. Body aches and fatigue. Every day. This is a fact so why say this is how I feel every day? I just pretend I do not feel this way. Why should I take it out on him? It is not his fault. Besides, he is a ‘fixer,’ and he can’t ‘fix’ the chronic pain. It can’t be done!

What am I like to come home to? I think of this often. (Probably from watching one too many Dr. Phil shows.) Throw in a few relationships in the past where I knew what it was like going home to my dreaded mate and there is the perfect storm! I want him to WANT to come home. I want him to know that I appreciate the work he does, I appreciate the care he gives me, and I love spending time with him. (And I really do!) I let him know every day that I am happy to be with him and so proud of him. I am thankful for my husband, and I want him to feel it and know whatever happens ‘out there,’ I am his safe spot to land.

I have learned the art of saying “sorry” when appropriate. And he has mastered the art of accepting my apologies. I accept his apologies as well, he’s not a saint! Chronic illness is a kill-joy. It is a sneaky little monster that will steal good moments from you any chance it gets. Somedays, it wins, but most days, I win. On the days I don’t win, I let him know I’m having an FM day. (Code for stay as far away as possible from me because I won’t be responsible for my actions!)

From 2012 to 2015, I went through a period of about 2 years of having little to no memories let alone a single independent thought. I had to re-learn sentence structure, spacial recognition, basic mind work. I had seven surgeries during that period as my pancreas decided to quit working whenever it chose to. I had developed a biliary disease that was thought to be the culprit, but the jury will remain out as everyone has an opinion but no one has the answer. My surgeon said I would pay from the amount of anesthesia I underwent due to these surgeries and I did! Memory loss. I wasn’t expected to survive, but I did so what next? I had to deal with the outcome. Coloring books, zentangles, crossword puzzles and then a blog and finally a book! Mind work.

(My husband never wavered. He was my rock. He was by my side throughout that terrible time. He remained strong and positive and never let on how frightened he was about the possibility of me not recovering. I love him more than the day we were married, too.)

To wrap up this whole little discussion as to why I do what I do, let’s talk about the people who reach out to me for help. I have acquired a lot of knowledge throughout my life. A college education in applied sciences, real-life counseling experience, learning about my chronic disease and others’, blogging and authoring a book about people’s chronic illness journeys. I love helping people! It is good for my heart, and I look at each and every person who reaches out and asks for my help as an opportunity to assist them to see the amazing potential they possess! We get to define it together. I want to be that one person that takes the time to listen to them, really listen. I do not have all the answers, but I will help you discover your own answers, those that fit you. By helping others when I couldn’t even help myself a few years back is a fantastic gift I will never take lightly. It gives me purpose and fulfills my promise to make this stage of my life meaningful.

This is what I do, and why!

IMG_0174~ For you! (Jeff, my love.)

 

 

I’ve been Plagiarized!

Last Update: 11/7/2017. Angela Wise has retracted her apology and any acknowledgment of copying my writing…


Update: 11/7/2017. Was acknowledged for writing the 7th stage with an apology that my name had been overlooked. That is all I wanted. Thanks to everyone who wrote her a comment, I appreciate your support. ~K.


Update: 11/6/2017. Was finally contacted by Angela Wise. Angela claims she has no knowledge of me or my blog post The 7th Stage of Fibromyalgia. She believes I am a bully and a stalker. I assured her I was neither. I stated that she need not copy other people’s work and claim it as her own. I informed her I would never contact her again. And I will not. I know she is well aware of what she did.  ~K.



The Beginning:

I am at a crossroads, I had a blog plagiarized, word for word by Angela Wise. My blog post, The 7th Stage of Fibromyalgia was based on the 6 stages written by an A. Wise, who I gave credit to. I believe her name was Ann Wise, not Angela. Be that as it may, Angela Wise copied my entire blog post, changed the title to The 7th Stage of Fibromyalgia: NewDevelopment then published my blog post using her name.

  • Angela Wise writes a blog called, Latest Journal.
  • She writes on a Facebook page called Fibro & Chronic Pain Center.
  • She is on YouTube, as ‘Angela Vlog’, doing a 7 part series on the fibromyalgia stages.

I wrote to her, I commented on the blogs, I reported her. There is nothing left that I can do. I was so very angry at her when I discovered this. Then I realized, how needy this woman must be as she ignorantly attempts to explain these stages, depressing those who listen, and calling us all “sisters in fibro”… Now, I’m just disgusted, fed-up, and sad.

The thing that really gets me is I would have been so happy to share this blog post with her. I would have encouraged her to do a vlog series if that was what she wanted! I love to share information. I would have been more than happy to help her in any way I could. But she took what I had written, signed her name to it and published it as her own. Classless.

Plagiarism.

I’ll settle back now and let Karma do her work. Too bad for Angela, we could’ve helped each other out, maybe even have been friends. That opportunity is long gone!

IMG_0204~Kim

 

Get a Clue, I’m Not Your Opinion.

Everyone seems to have an opinion, but not all have a clue. Carefully and continuously decide who to surround your self with. Those who can influence your decisions and whose judgments you take to heart must be conscientiously chosen. The more public you become, the more vulnerable you become. Make good choices. You are the company you keep.

I like to think of myself as having a ‘force field’ that no one can cross unless I grant them entrance. Much like Wonder Woman! Yes, like Linda Carter as Wonder Woman, I stop people dead in their tracks with my ‘force field’. I can keep people at a distance, far away from my inner self. My personal life, hopes, fears, and dreams are not for the clueless … I will not share specific details that make me vulnerable with those I do not trust.

 

The people I choose to let into my inner Wonder Woman circle must meet criteria I have come up with to deem them as safe, meaning I can be vulnerable with them. After reading a few self-help books, realizing I was being told to change everything about me, I stopped! I put a few things into perspective. I’m not changing. I’m good with me and what I’ve become. Life has taken me down a few paths I normally would not have chosen, but I made it through! Those journies have made me who I am. I am strong, competent, unafraid and kind but I come with scars of my own. Furthermore, self-help book pioneers, with no experience of devastation in your perfect little world, I’m not available for you to ‘mold.’ You be you, and I’ll be me, then we can decide if we want to take this relationship further. Comprendo?

What do I look for? Here are a few things that I rely on before I lower my force field. A breach in even one of these areas undoubtedly ends with bitterness and pain.

  • Do I respect you?
  • Do you inspire me?
  • Do you assist me in expanding my personal growth?
  • Do my opinions matter to you?
  • Do I want you more involved in my personal life?
  • Do you have it together?

The last point, do you have it together is really very simple. Do you own what you are in life? Are you admitting you have your own ideas, opinions and personal demons you struggle with? Because I will recognize those types of things. I am not perfect, far from it. When I let a person close to me, and they hurt me, I have made a big mistake! That person must be removed from my inner circle. That is so very painful! To trust and have it trashed. To be someone’s ‘opinion’ is not my idea of an inner circle confidant. I am more than an opinion, and those close to me in my life are too.

You choose who you surround yourself with, and it must be handled with care and consideration. The backlash of choosing wrongly stings for a very long time.

Live your best life!

Screen Shot 2018-02-25 at 12.48.43 PM~Kim